It Takes A village

We have so many clients that come into our office with burn out. Many people think that you need to be employed to have burn out; but they are wrong. Burnout is caused by a person being overwhelmed by tasks, not providing themselves sufficient self care opportunities consistently enough, not asking for help, and the general feeling of immense pressure. In short terms, it’s doing too much for too long. Today, we are focusing on a very specific demographic: MOMS. 

We all know the saying “ it takes a village”.  But it seems like these days, the expectation for mothers in particular, is to be able to do everything on their own. There are even songs about it nowadays such as Miss Independent. The media glorifies independence, to the point where it takes away our ability to even feel comfortable to ask for help. In fact, asking for help now looks like you can’t handle things yourself, so doing so comes across as a weakness!!! What a joke if you ask me. 

What changed in our world for it to go from taking a village to raise a child to being a “miss independent woman” with such high expectations? Having to do the same tasks it takes a village to do but now on our own? When did these expectations change? And how are they helping us today? 

It’s easy. They aren’t. In fact they are ruining us!! They ruin our self confidence, our self esteem, self worth, and self appreciation. These expectations cause us to hide when we are struggling, to make everything look perfect through a lens, and lead an isolated and lonely life. They make us feel less than. And I ask this simple question, for what? For independence???  

No matter what way I look at it, I cannot for the life of me see how this makes sense. So I started digging. What caused us to make the change for this incredibly unfair shift?? And when?? When have women been taking on the burden of motherhood “independently” ?  

One of the things I came across disgusted me. It was a commercial from 1982. Enjoli perfume. It states that it is an 8 hour perfume for the 24 hour woman. TWENTY FOUR HOUR WOMAN?? That tells me that women shouldn’t sleep. The lyrics to the song are below: 

Cuz I’m a woman. 

Enjoli! 

I can bring home the bacon. 

Enjoli! 

Fry it up in a pan. 

Enjoli 

And never let you forget you’re a man. 

I can work till 5 o’clock. 

Come home and read you tickety tock. 

Tonight I’m gonna cook for the kids. 

And if it’s lovin’ you want I can kiss you and give you the shiverin’ fits. 

Looking further into it, I read articles based around a variety of commercials, media outlets, and other methods of communication that reach the vast majority of the public. The general consensus is that the expectation is a superhuman role of a full time worker, full time mother, full time wife, and full time lover. The media has set an expectation that because you’re a woman you should be able to do it all, and do it all on your own. And it looks like the majority of society has bought into this expectation. 

Again, what a joke. 

As financial obligations became heavier, many women were required to enter the workforce to help support their family obligations. Unfortunately, in many cases, the division of the household labour and the children did not happen with the other partner within the relationship. With commercials and other media outlets reinforcing the fact that women can do it, and quite frankly should do it, on their own has slowly but surely creeped into the way that we live.  

Although I cannot change or control what the media does and what social media you follow, I can help you redefine how to operate as a Mom. I will often ask clients who their village is. Typically I am met with a blank stare. Sometimes I am met with a face that flat out rejects my question. As if THEY need a village. And many times, I will be told that they have no family around to help, so therefore they do not have an opportunity for a village. 

Before we do anything else, I’d like to help you address and define exactly what that of a “village” is. Because it is not just the grandparents or siblings to help babysit your kids. And it really does extend beyond friends as well, although they are a key part to a village. People seem to think that the people in their village need to be “free”. Why??  

Members of your village can be: 

• Your childs(ren)s teacher 
• Your grocery delivery driver 
• Your house cleaner 
• Your dog walker 

• A sports coach 
• Your boss 
• Co-workers 
• Your Counsellor 
• Your Doctor 

• Your personal trainer 
• A babysitter/daycare provider 
• Sleep trainer/Potty trainer 
• Nutritionist  
• And many others 

This is a small list of people that help you! That is what a village is. It is important to provide not only your children with a village but yourself. A village is a variety of people who can help shape and mould the little people that you are raising and support you emotionally, mentally, and physically while you are raising your family. It provides an outside source from just yourself to have your children be accountable to, to respect, and to support them and yourself. A village’s purpose is for you to be able to lean into when you need help, an extra set of hands, or more time.  

An example that I love is that of a teacher. You get assigned a person/people to spend time with your child day in and day out for 10 months of the year. Someone who you do not even know! And voila! They are part of your village!! They play a key role in your child’s life, helping mould them to learn writing, reading, math, science, and other subjects. You are trusting in this person to make the care and education of your child a priority. How can you not identify them as part of your village?  

Now that I have helped you get your mind around the idea that your village doesn’t need to be “free” in every instance, let’s look at the part of your village that is mostly meant for you. Friends. In Motherhood friends can look differently than when you were not a mother. The expectation around friendship varies between life transitions and is constantly changing. As if you didn’t have enough on your plate already, now to add the confusion of friends to it.  

I personally like to go off of the saying “You have friends for reasons, seasons, and a lifetime”. I love this saying because in all honesty, it takes the pressure off of friendships. You can have friends prior to having kids, then you have kids, and the friendship looks differently; or maybe it even dissolves. That does not make the friendship less than, invalid, or a waste of time. But simply, that friendship served its purpose for that moment in time. Many Moms will seek out other “Mom friends”, which is great, but there needs to be more substance than the commonality of giving birth or having a child(ren). For example, you could both have children, but your parenting styles differ greatly. That doesn’t make the other Mom not kind or less than, but simply it can be difficult to see eye to eye on certain things which could create a point of struggle. Again, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be friends with this other mom, but you need to have different expectations. They can be a great part of your village, but it’s up to you to decide how they fit in your village.  

Making yourself vulnerable to meeting friends through such a transitional part of your life can be extremely overwhelming and down right scary. Remember to focus on quality over quantity. What you should search for in a friend is someone you can vent to, that will not provide judgement but instead a soft place to land when you’re having a low day in motherhood, in your relationship, or just in general. Someone that will not hold your “moments” over you, but instead build you up and support you! I often picture a football player smacking another player’s butt with a “go get ‘em” attitude. That’s exactly what you need in a friend who is part of your village. Dust you off, give you words of encouragement, and get you back in the game—the neverending game of motherhood. 

Now a key component to friends—find ones you can accept help from! The ability to ask for help would be even better; but let’s just start practising to accept the help that is offered. It may feel awkward, unnatural, and maybe even thoughts creep in that you’re a failure if you accept help, BUT DO IT! I will always ask my clients if they would help others if they were in need of a hand up, a shower, a vent session, or someone to just sit with to not feel alone. I have yet to have someone say they would not help. We dig into why you would be willing to help; most say it doesn’t take much to help, it wouldn’t inconvenience them, or that they LOVE to help others. Helping others builds your own self worth, gives you purpose, and makes you happy; helping others makes YOU feel better. When I flip the script on clients, it shocks them. Why is it that you hold yourself to a different standard than others? Why is it that you think others will judge you but you sincerely don’t judge others that need a bit of help?  

Guess what?? It’s not a big deal to accept help! Help others feel worthy, give yourself a break, welcome the village into your world because Mama, you’re not meant to do this alone. It’s a lot! In fact, it’s too much to do with just you!  

A village can be a game changer. I cannot begin to express how life changing it can be when you accept help, offer help, are present with others, and get comfortable in a community that you have chosen for yourself and your family.  

Being a mother is hard. 

You have a lot on you. 

You SHOULD ask others for help. 

You have a lot on you. 

A village creates an environment of love. 

You have a lot on you. 

Let’s change the way you work. 

You have a lot on you. 

Gather people around. 

You have a lot on you. 

Don’t do this alone. 

You have a lot on you. 

Your family will thrive. 

Take some load off of you. 

I am going to leave you with this; get a pen, get a paper, and sit. Reflect, think, and feel. Write down who is in your village, and if this list is minimal or maybe not even existent; what can you do to change this. What can you do to create a village? Join a club? Reach out to a friend?  

Each person will be different, so make sure that your village fulfils your wants and needs to help you raise your family. Remember, you do not need to do this alone.