CHANGE IS HARD
Asking for help can be hard. Sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings can be hard; but change IS hard. Why is this? In a nutshell, it is because we as humans are creatures of habit and behaviour is habitual; we learn to do things a certain way and if it works it becomes our go to behaviour.
Motivation to make change might be high for most that come in for counselling, but there is going to be mixed feelings about replacing old behaviours for new. You as the client will have to weigh out the benefits versus the risks of changing your behaviours, for example “If I learn to not accept bad behavior from others, they may get mad at me and they may leave me” can be a reason that people are worried about change. Change can be scary!
What is needed for change? The answer is how motivated are you? If you are looking up information about mental health topics and checking out potential counsellors, then you are either in what we call the contemplative or preparation stage of change. Contemplative is when you know there is a problem; you’re thinking about change but you’re not totally committed to a plan of action. Preparation is you are ready to commit to a plan of action. As a clinical counsellor it is my job to empower you to make the changes you want to see in your life. Through the sharing of your story, together we identify the areas that require change, we identify the skills and strengths you already have and use, and we build a plan that is right for you.
Why is it important to have a plan? It is important to develop goals and different strategies to meet those goals so that you do not become frustrated and quit. This is a process that requires constant evaluation and possible tweaking of strategies, that when done alone can be overwhelming. That is why it is important to have someone like me on your team; you are the expert of yourself, you know what you capable of and what works for you (yes, you really do!) and I share the knowledge I have, so that you can be successful in reaching your goals. Together we work on keeping you on track and motivated for change.
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SIGNS THAT YOU COULD BE DATING OR MARRIED TO A NARCISSIST
SIGNS THAT YOU COULD BE DATING OR MARRIED TO A NARCISSIST:
(1) Sense of Entitlement
(2) Lack of Empathy
(3) Preoccupation with Beauty, Success, Status, Power, or Ideal Love
(4) Demonstration of Arrogant or Haughty Behaviours or Attitudes
(5) Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
(6) Belief they are special or unique and can only be understood by, or
should associate with, other special or high-status people or
institutions.
(7) Need for Excessive Admiration
(8) Interpersonally exploitive behaviour
(9) Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Even knowing the official criteria for diagnosing a narcissist does not
usually make it easier to spot a narcissist, especially if you are
romantically involved with one.
What it boils down to is selfishness at the expense of others, plus the
inability to consider other’s feelings at all. NPD (Narcissist
Personality Disorder) is not black or white, it falls on a spectrum.
The most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders lists nine criteria for NDP, but it specifies that a
person only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify as a
narcissist.
I often have clients that say, “Well I think he does have empathy”.
Well yes of course a person with NDP will have some empathy as the
criteria says “lack of empathy”. The criteria does not say “no
empathy”. However, if you pay attention closely to what the person you
suspect may have NPD their ability to empathize tends to relate to their
feelings not others. So yes the person with NPD can cry or be sad when
someone they love dies or gets sick. However, an example of a narcissist
lacking empathy would be, say you told the narcissist your car was
broken into the day before and a bunch of your items were stolen, the
person with NPD may pretend to care but if you watch closely they most
likely do not care because it was not their car that was broken into or
their items that were stolen. However, if the next day the person you
suspect may have NPD has their car broken into and their items stolen
they may seem enraged and very upset. So empathy is the ability to put
yourself in someone’s else shoes without ever experiencing what that
person experienced. People with NPD lack the ability to put themselves
in someone’s else shoes and actual care about another’s feelings.
Sometimes the narcissist will pretend to care because they know that is
the social acceptable thing to do, however if you listen closely to
their words versus their actions you often can see that their words are
not genuine or sincere.
Part 1 of the points to remember on how to recognize that a person may
have NPD:
(1) Narcissists often have this air about them that excudes confidence.
They are often very charming especially when they first meet someone.
People often get sucked into their charm and confidence and tend to like
and trust a person with NPD. In regards to a romantic relationship a
Narcissist tends to come on very strong. It may seem like a fairy tale
or too good to be true. The narcissist may have texted or call you
constantly or perhaps told you they loved you within the first month.
Something the experts refer to as “love bombing”. Or maybe they tell
you how smart you are or how compatible you are, even if you just
started seeing each other. People with NPD will try to manufacture
superficial connections early on in the relationship to hook their new
love interest. So therefore be aware if someone comes on too strong in
the beginning and you suspect they may have NPD.
(2) Often the person with NPD has a good sense of humour and/or can
often be the life of the party. These qualities are often likeable
especially in a dating relationship and will suck a person into a
intimate relationship with a narcissist.
(3) Often the person with NDP will hog the conversation and talk about
how great they are. Narcissists love you talk about their own
accomplishments and achievements. The narcissist will often exaggerate
their accomplishments and embellish their talents in stories in order to
gain admiration of others.
(4) Often the person with NDP will think they are right about everything
and it apologize. Fighting with a narcissist feels impossible. There is
no debating or compromise with a narcissist because they are always
right.
Okay, so now you are dating a narcissist now what?
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist chances are you have
already experience quite a bit abuse. Being in a relationship with a
narcissist who is always criticizing, belittling, or gaslighting and not
committing to you is exhausting. That is why the experts recommend that
you get out of the relationship as soon as possible and do not look back
for your own sanity.
How to prepare for a break up with a narcissist.
(1) constantly remind yourself that you deserve better
(2) strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends
(3)build a support network with family and friends who can help remind
you what is reality
(4) read up on narcissist personality disorder and educate yourself on
the condition
(5) get a counsellor yourself as soon as possible as you will need
support to help you leave the unhealthy relationship
Remember you cannot change a person with narcissist personality disorder
or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet
their unrealistic desires. They will never be in tune with you, or never
empathetic to your experiences, or you will always feel empty after an
interaction with them. Narcissist cannot feel fulfilled in
relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever
special enough for them. Essentially, you will never be enough for them,
because they are never enough for themselves. The best thing you can do
is cut ties. Break up with them and offer them no second or third
chances. Often the narcissist will most likely make attempts at
contacting you and harassing you with calls and or texts once they have
processed the rejection. The experts recommend blocking the narcissist
to help you stick to your decision.
If you think you are in a relationship with a narcissist or want some
help getting out of a unhealthy relationship with a narcissist please
call Interactive Counselling at 250-859-4485 and book with a
counsellor that specializes with victims of abuse.
TRAUMA COUNSELLING
When we think of trauma, we think of the unspeakable, we think of unbearable hurt and pain, we think of the worst of the worst; then we stop thinking, we stop feeling, we go into denial. Due to this denial, survivors of trauma work very hard to push through their experiences on their own. Why do we deny? While there is no one real answer to this, fear is a large factor; fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of powerlessness and lack of control. If this happened to this person, it can happen to me and now I am fearful. Not a very nice feeling to have for long, so we deny the survivor’s experience; it did not happen the way they remember, they asked for it in some way, I am different, therefore it will not happen to me. Now I feel better! You’re wondering about this?
Let me tell you about the people who don’t deny and support the trauma survivor through their journey.
As a mental health therapist, I am trained to deal with my client’s trauma. I have spent considerable time working through and processing my feelings around my own experiences of trauma so that I am better equipped to help my clients work through theirs. Is this fool proof?
The answer is a definite no. As with all people, therapists are subject to life stressors, health problems, etc., so vicarious trauma is a possibility for people in the field of mental health. Vicarious trauma is something that happens over time in response to the traumatic stories of others. For friends and family that are exposed to their loved one’s trauma, secondary trauma is a possibility. Secondary trauma is more immediate and can happen when exposed to just one traumatic story. When confronted with horror, it makes sense that we would choose to deny it in some way, shape, or form.
Denial doesn’t just come from others; it can come from the survivors themselves. After a trauma, survivors are highly vulnerable and more often than not, are not supported in a positive and validating environment. Again, this is usually due to the people around them not being able to deal with the reality that their safety is at risk too. When this occurs, survivors can become entrenched in a spiral of shame and confusion. Confronted with the denial of others, survivors of trauma start to question their experiences (confusion) and worse of all start wondering how they may have caused it to happen (guilt). This brings up huge feelings of shame; I did something bad/stupid, others think I did something bad/stupid, therefore I am bad/stupid. Except it was not their fault! Someone else chose to violate them! Often survivors of trauma are unable to come to a fair assessment of their conduct (unrealistic guilt) and balance this with denial of responsibility. They did not seek it out by anything they said or did, but faced with a less than supportive environment, their own unrealistic guilt, survivors emotionally shutdown, try to tell themselves and others that the trauma really wasn’t a big deal, and become numb in order to cope.
This is what re-traumatization looks like. The first trauma, if dealt with right away in a supporting and validating environment can be healed with minimal effort; when it isn’t, the second trauma that occurs, the re-traumatization, is harder to heal as the shame the survivor feels is compounded daily by the judgement of others who are unable to deal with or accept the reality of the traumatized person. It has been reported that survivors of trauma that do not have supportive families are at increased risk for persistent post-traumatic symptoms.
Then we have the justice system. This is a system that we as a society count on to charge the perpetrator and put on trial so that the perpetrator pays for the pain and suffering they have caused to an innocent person. It’s not a terrible system unless you are a traumatized individual that has to go through the process to get the justice they seek; then it becomes a place of nightmares. We see this re-traumatization clearly as traumatized individuals move through the court process. Our justice system works on the premise that a person is innocent until proven guilty; great! But this means that it is upon the survivor and their legal team to prove that their story is true. On the other side, the perpetrator’s legal team is formulating questions that will poke holes in the victim’s story. So now the trauma survivor has to convince people that they are not liars; that their experience is valid and it is as they say. This is where re-traumatization occurs and can be even more devastating than the initial trauma; I think it is safe to say that it is more devastating.
Survivors of trauma need to understand that what they are feeling is normal. Experiencing trauma can make a person feel very isolated, powerless, that their sense of self has been shattered, that they are disconnected from others, and that they cannot trust anyone. The focus of the victim is to establish a sense of safety and to regain some sort of security. After a trauma has occurred and a sense of some safety and security has been established, it is imperative to move into rebuilding some form of trust. Reconnecting with people after a trauma is also a primary necessity as being able to trust someone helps us feel safe and protected. Studies show that survivors of trauma that have supportive people in the aftermath of trauma report shorter times of recovery! The kind of support is key to this recovery and even with supportive family and friends, it is important that you seek professional help. Therapists are trained in trauma and better equipped to help you navigate through the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. Family and friends are a great support, but the journey towards real healing takes its toll on those we love too.
Is there someone in your life that is trying to cope with a trauma and you are wondering how you can support them? First off be aware of your responses to the survivor’s story. It is very normal for family, lovers, or friends to be over protective which can impede the survivor’s ability and need to reestablish their sense of autonomy. This can take the shape of aggressive outbursts, the family insisting on deciding their own course of action, or an intimate partner attempting to seek revenge in spite of the survivor’s wishes. It is imperative that as a supportive person that you do not override the survivor’s wishes as this only compounds the trauma by further disempowering them. Giving support to someone that has been traumatized is like walking a tight rope as even positive affirmations (they are not at fault) can trigger the survivor’s shame and guilt. This is due to the survivor’s focus on fairness of moral responsibility; did I do something to make them do that to me? Am I certain that I did not create a misunderstanding? The thoughts and feelings around the trauma can be very complex for the survivor, so it is important to remain neutral in your support.
Here are a few more tips to providing someone with a safe space to share their story:
- Let them know that you are there for them and that they do not have to go through this alone.
- Actively listen. This means that you just listen and do not assign blame! When we are just able to listen, this can allow the survivor to work through the experience and hopefully can come to a realistic judgement of their conduct and a fair understanding of responsibility.
- Empathize. Do not tell them you understand! Everyone’s experiences are different. Let them know that you can imagine the pain and suffering that they are experiencing.
- Validate. Suspend what you believe or don’t believe. This is where you are letting them know that whatever they say is the gospel truth.
- Support them in actively seeking out resources, such as a therapist.
The good news is that you can come to terms with the traumatic experience and create a new and better future for yourself. If you are suffering symptoms due to a traumatic experience, know that you are not alone and you do not need to go through it alone. Seek help right away! The sooner you get the support you need, the faster you will recover. At Interactive Counselling, our Kelowna counsellors are trained professionals that can support you through your journey of healing and empowerment.